LISTENING AND UNDERSTANDING
A framework for listening
Listening is a complex activity and a skill that takes place on many levels. Active listening means that you are listening with purpose and communicating that you have listened
One framework for listening considers the client experiences, behaviour, feelings and thoughts
1. Experiences - what clients experience as happening to them; what others say or do not say; what others do or do not do
2. Behaviour - how clients act; what they say and do
3. Feelings - what clients feel about their experiences and their
behaviour
4. Thoughts - what clients understand about what they do or do not
do ; what sense they make of their own and others behaviour ; and what
beliefs they have about themselves, other people and events in their
lives.
Things that hinder Listening
1. Preparing your reply to what the client is saying
2. Seeking confirmation for your hypotheses and ignoring information from the client which contradicts these hypotheses
3. Possibly becoming defensive or labeling yourself inadequate when clients attempt to correct you
4. Trying to find a solution because you like quick action
5. Becoming anxious about what the client is telling you
In general
• Listening attentively with an awareness of the filters you have and the universe of your own life is the basis for understanding clients.
• However while listening is important it is not enough. Clients need more. They need a response to show that they are being heard and understood.
Some ways of responding
Reflective skills
Reflective skills enable you to communicate your understanding of your client’s frame of reference. This internal frame of reference is how clients view themselves and their concerns.
Probing skills normally express the coaches’ perspective or external frame of reference. When this is happening a coach is seeking information or wanting to influence the direction of the session
Reflective skills are probably the most useful group of skills to:
• Build trust
• Encouraging exploration
• Discouraging premature focusing
Communicating emphatic understanding
Key aims are:
• better understand clients' thinking and feeling
• To check in a non intrusive that you have understood
• To impose minimal direction from your frame of reference
In other words offer back to the client what they have said in their own words
Three key reflective skills are:
• Restating
• Paraphrasing
• Summarising
Listening is not merely use of the ears it is a full engagement of the attention, thought and intention of the coach in the conversation. This means that close consideration has to be paid to what is being said (rather than what we are going to say next)
Coaching Insights - Quality conversations
One helpful construct considers how coaching can be based on three types of conversation:
1. A conversation for awareness – aiming to get the clearest possible picture of the clients current reality
2. A conversation for choice – aiming to get the clearest possible picture of desired outcomes
3. A conversation for trust – helping the client to get greater access to internal and external resources to move from a current reality to a desired future.
AWARENESS - Questions for insight
Awareness questions focus attention on the situation and reaction to it. Becoming aware of this is a big step in the right direction.For example:
- What is happening at present?
- What seems to stand out and have greater significance?
- How do you feel about the situation?
- What do you understand about (X)? What do you not understand?
- How would you describe the underlying issue?
- What are the critical aspects of the situation and how do they relate?
- What consequences do you perceive or anticipate?
- What has been working?
- What has been not working?
CHOICE – Questions to explore choice
Choice questions try to clarify true intentions and reveal the changes that would have to be made to enable those intentions
For example:
- What do you really want?
- What are you tolerating or putting up with right now?
- For your life to be perfect what would have to change?
- What would you like to be most acknowledged for in your life so far?
- What sort of things would give you more energy now?
- What do you want to achieve?
- What would that give you?
- What would that option look like x weeks/months/years from now?
- What would be the most fulfilling way to get there?
- What do you feel most strongly about in this situation?
- Who are you doing this for?
- How does this fit in your current priorities?
- What would success in this endeavour mean to you?
- What alternative possibilities can you consider?
- Are you clear about your true intentions?
- What changes would you have to make in your life/work to achieve your intentions
- To what extent are you able and willing to make those changes?
- Who could you talk to, to explore this on a deeper level?
TRUST – Questions to develop trust
Questions for trust deal with core values, gifts and talents and feelings.
For example:
- If you could do it anyway you wanted to, how would you go about accomplishing this task?
- What one thing could you do this week to make a difference?
- When have you succeeded in a challenge similar to this?
- What is your favourite way of sabotaging yourself and what should I say if I notice it in future?
- What could you do to have more fun in your life?
- At your best, what qualities, attributes and capabilities do you bring to a situation?
- Where could you find help to achieve this task?
- What research could you do to help in this situation?
- What first steps do you see?
- How comfortable/confident do you feel about doing (X)?
- How could your intentions take form and move to completion?
- To what extent have you been putting off things that would make your life better?
From this perspective Coaching..
- Is about a non judgemental partnership. collaboration, learning, movement, performance and quality of life
- It involves listening, reflecting, asking questions and providing information
- It treats people as creative, intelligent and capable
- It works with visions,goals,ideas,commitment,motivation,feelings,planning,action and feedback